Orkz Win
by Madork Gunna
Summary: Based on Orkz Win by Fist of Russ, with some added orky sillyness. No longer a one-shot.
1. Da End

"I'da Boss o' u wimpz! U gonna do wot I say or I gonna put your 'eads on mi pointy stick! I'da hand of Gork an' Mork! I' here ta get u boyz to start the killin' o' de weak humies! And if u wanna try and beat me, Gork an' Mork r' gonna smash u da bitz when I' dun wih ya! Ya go' it!" Ghazhkull Thraka snarled at his mob. He was taller then a Killa Kan, more muscled then any other Ork, and strong enough to throw a Dreadnought a hundred meters without breaking a sweat.

"I fought on da fire deserts o' Armour-Geddem, I smashed de humies an' da metal cities to scrap. I smartr' den a' Mek Boy, more cunnin' den Grot, an' more killy dan Dread. I squished da big Bugz, melted da metil' bone- boyz, slammed da smelly chaos boyz, I bashed da blue boyz' bonez ta bitz, I pancaked da pansy space elves, I grounded da humie Guardz to piecez, an' I mashed da marine-boyz!"

"I blasted my way through da Imperial-Boyz territory, an' I blowed up da red Mek planet!" He then turned to the figure sitting on the Golden Throne. "Now I controlz da home of da Humies!"

Sitting down, his kustom 'ardpants finished with a crunch that what Horus had started millennia ago.

*fade to black*

"I dunno wot dem 'umies fink iz so speshul 'bout dis boss seat, itz dead uncomfy"


	2. Da metil bone boyz

The Nightbringer was disturbed. Something was wrong. First transmissions from several tomb worlds were suddenly cut off. Not really a noteworthy phenomenon, the hated living often destroyed the relatively sensitive long-range communication nodes, but it rarely took more than three microseconds to reroute signals via a new node. This was different, the tomb worlds reported a fleet of ships carrying species 377 entering the system and then suddenly all was silent. The Deceiver had been closest to the tomb worlds in question, and now he had gone missing too. The worlds themselves had vanished in no particular order, as if whomever was causing the phenomenon was just jumping around at random, but that made no sense. Someone with the knowledge to build weapons capable of vanquishing whole worlds would surely have a strategy. The Nightbringer simply could not identify the pattern yet.

Alarms suddenly went off, distracting the Nightbringer from his thoughts. A fleet of ships from species 377 had entered the system. Within two microseconds, the Necron vessels had activated. Within five their engines had heated up to operational levels, and they moved to intercept. A full five-hundred of the grandest Necron battleships and their escorts were stationed around this particular world, one of the greatest displays of Necron firepower in the current universe. The Nightbringer himself trained his senses outward, letting his minions take care of the intruders. This was exactly what had happened on the other worlds, and he would be damned if they caught him unawares, whomever they were. As the fleet of his vessels moved to intercept, all of them suddenly exploded. With a flash, Nightbringer redirected his scans. What he found was troubling, to say the least, as he realised what was happening, and how those other worlds suddenly vanished. It was the result of several facts:

1. The Necrons built their ships, structures, weapons and sometimes even bodies with compartments that were out of phase with the rest of the material universe, basically making stuff bigger on the inside than on the outside.

2. Two objects of matter cannot exist in the same place at the same time. Should the attempt to do so regardless, the stress on the atoms of those objects becomes too great, and they disintegrate, forcing matter outwards in what is best described as a fission-explosion.

3. The lead vessel of the fleet of species 377 was emitting an energy wave that forced matter into a single phase, meaning that Necron structures under the influence of fact 1 materialised, in most cases coming under the influence of fact 2

4. Fact 1 was applicable to the tomb complex Nightbringer was currently residing in, as it was three times larger than the planet it was built on.

Completely unrelated to these facts is the following fact:

5. The last thought of the Nightbringer was roughly the equivalent to the English: _'Oh, shi-'_

On the bridge of the _Soopa Deff Destroya_, Ghazghkull observed the planet beneath him blow up.

"Um, boss, da metil-bone-boyz blew demselves up." his Big Mek reported. "Again." he added as an afterthought.

"Dey'z is cheating! Dem sneaky gitz is tryin' ter prevent me from addin' dere 'eads to me pointy stick!" Ghazghkull bellowed. "Set course fer da next metil bone boyz fortress! I'll show em wot dey get fer trying ter outsmart me!

* * *

Surprise! Just thought this up one morning, wrote it down quickly and here we are! Depending on my mood, probably Eldar or Tau next. Please remember that this is a story purely for the lulz. Fact one is actually semi-canon, it's from the Soul Drinkers novel Hellforged.


	3. Da smelly Kaos Ladz

I know I promised Eldar or Tau, but I got a good idea for Chaos and just rolled with it. Anyway, enjoy.

* * *

Abbadon was pleased. He had done it. With the Orks on the rampage after Armageddon had fallen, more and more of the Imperial Guard had been sent away to deal with the Xeno threat. Sensing a weakness, he had pounced, launching his umpteenth Black Crusade (count had been lost, Abaddon himself insisted it still was the thirteenth and the lulls in between were merely breaks), and this time he had succeeded in taking that blasted Cadian Gate. The only slight dampener on his spirits was currently cowering in front of him on the floor of the balcony he was currently standing on, having temporarily interrupted his victory celebration.

"Milord, I am afraid bear bad news." the cultist said.

"What is it?" said Abbadon annoyed. There was a Slaaneshi deamonette due to preform a stage act soon, this message would better be important.

"It concerns the _Planet Killer_, milord. I'm… The fleet master fears it has… um… gone missing."

Abbadon's outcry of rage could be heard on the other side of the planet.

"_**WHAT?**_" Abbandon shouted, foaming at the mouth. Sure, an unusual number of ships had disappeared recently, from both Chaos and Imperial fleets, but his own personal flagship? That kind of incompetence got people killed. Messily and slowly.

"Tell me, how exactly did this happen?" said Abbadon in a sweet voice, that was somehow more terrifying than the usual thunderous yelling.

"Um, nobody knows exactly milord." said the cultist, thoroughly soiling his pants by now. The moonlight glistened of his brow as sweatdrops rolled down his forehead.

Strange, Abbadon didn't remember Cadia having a moon. Looking up, he saw a huge shape slowly making it's way across the sky towards the Chaos fleet.

"That's no moon…" he whispered in shock as realization dawned. Meanwhile, the cultist got a message on his vox.

"S-Sir? The fleet master just called. He has found the _Planet Killer _again. As well as those other dozen missing ships."

* * *

Gazghkull looked to the main view screen from his shiny new command throne. At first the thing had protested against his presence, but after sitting down really hard a couple of times it had shut up. On the view screen was Cadia, with a bullseye drawn over its center.

"Boss to Dakka Control, ya gits ready?" he said through the internal coms.

"Sure fing boss. Push da button ter fire." came the reply. Gazghkull stood up, and clanged a couple of times with his powerfist to get the boys on the bridge to pay attention.

"Alroight ya gits-" he said, posing dramatically, "I'M FIRIN' MA DEFF GUN!"

He rammed the firing button.


End file.
